repeat of last spring

Last spring I wrote that I was crushed under my workload and sole responsibilities at home. Looks like its going to be a repeat this year. I am NOT, repeat NOT prone to depression, I have only had this feeling after my Mom died young... and last Spring. The last two weeks I have been feeling bad, but I am doing these things differently:
- going to therapy. It's free from the "Employee Assistance Program"
- letting my Chair know its not going well. He said last year during my yearly evaluation "I had no idea! You seemed to be keeping up" (keeping up, my a**!)
- going to the gym on the weekdays by having our exchange student sit for me
- admitting that socializing is not a luxury and moving it up on the priority list.
- knowing that in 5 weeks it will be summer, and I can renew.
- working only 3/4 time next year, financial consequences be damned.
- making sure my thyroid meds are in order

I think that the #1 problem is chronicled here, here and here, my daughter's inability to sleep through the night. Two nights ago she woke up 5 times, last night three (and that felt great to me). Yes, its been an entire year and nothing has changed. What does that say about me/us?

Well, I am willing and desperate to hear your suggestions, or even empty encouragement at this point. :)

Almost lost the "lottery"

I knew it was risky taking on a exchange student, but decided to "buy a lottery ticket" by inviting one to stay with us. As posted here, she's enjoyable, mature, loves the kids, adaptable, and independent. She has been very helpful and has relieved my burden a lot. I think we may have won the "lottery".
However, we came very close to losing. Our student hangs around a lot with another girl from the same program who speaks her language. This other girl is high maintenance, demanding, already homesick (day 5), and disappointed with her living situation. Thanks Lord, is all I can say.

Daycare Finale

Met with the daycare director today. As you might now, daycare is an indispensable tool, becuase without reliable daycare the entire "working single Mommy" thing is literally impossible. As it is, even with "reliable" daycare, all it takes is sick kid (oh, so frequent in daycare settings; but understandable, see here and here) or a miscommunication with the daycare (not rare enough and not tolerable, see here) for everything to go to hell in a diaperbag.

I complained here about the new daycare's inflexible policies. Especially the policy of requiring children to be at daycare at 7:30am if we chose to pay for the 11 hour day (the most flexible option).

So which is worse: to write a ridiculous policy that you stick with, or to write a policy that you didn't really mean?

This morning when asked, the director said "I didn't mean that, they need to be in here by 9am. You have any time before that to bring them in and any time after that to pick them up."

OK, fine. That works better for us. But it has the side effect of making us trust your written policies a lot less. What you read is NOT what you get. In any case, that's a win for us.

Moreover, choosing the 8 hour day, she will allow 1. Different schedules for each semester, 2. Different 8 hour shifts for each day of the week, and if necessary 3. Different schedules for each child. This is absolutely necessary because I am going to do my damndest to breastfeed this child exclusively for 6 months, which failed last time (in part due to my work schedule).

With two kids in the daycare in the spring, the 8.5 hour policy will cost us $100 less per week than the 11-hour flexible policy. That's pretty significant for our budget. (Want to be jealous? It's the difference between $240/ week and $340/week for BOTH kids, more here in the comments).

Hub and I were trying to figure out why I get so worked up over these things. I said, "For one, I believe the director when she makes rules, and don't take for granted that she'll make an exception for us. And maybe there's a bit of Mommy guilt involved." Hub replies, "There's such a thing as Daddy guilt too, you know."

Not so liberated after all...

My husband is a pretty progressive fellow. Despite the fact that he comes from a household with a successful academic Dad and a stay-at-home (very productive and perfect about the household) Mom, I have generally felt treated equally. In fact, we quantify the household duties on Chore Wars, and he is ahead.

He stayed at home with the Boy when he was very young while underemployed and enjoyed it.

He also relies on the League of Women Voters website for his political information prior to voting.

SO I was surprised to hear him say something yesterday that was not too progressive...

When I am really at the end of my rope, and this has happened about 3 times since we started this lifestyle, I question why the Boy stays with me and doesn't live with him. Why is Boy with Mom the default? Can we think about this?

He answered first in a way that I completely understand: Honey, THAT is home. THIS is just where I sleep until I can get home... (awww). And then he says, "besides, there's this societal thing that children belong with their Mother" and then he grins real big because he knows what he has just said.

Turd.

Well, I'm glad he's honest about his prejudices, and feels free enough to discuss them with me. He's still the same guy, but I was surprised to hear that!!

An unexpected commuter marriage glitch

Suppose you have a normal marriage. You know, where both cars park together at the same address every night. Now suppose that your hubby accidentally drives away in the car that has the car seat, and the baby is with you. What do you do? Simple, you just don't take the baby anywhere you need to go in the car until hub comes home.

Now suppose your hubby drives the car seat to a place where he lives two hours away, and you can't get the car seat back for FIVE days (Hub is at a local important conference and can't take 4 hours out to bring you the car seat back)!

Here's what you do. Take your kid to the day care everyday in the pouring rain on your bike with him in a trailer. Endure the looks of disdain you receive from a few people for taking your poor innocent little baby out in the elements like that. Also receive congratulation and admiration from others who think of you as WonderWoman, braving the elements 6 months pregnant and pulling a loaded trailer behind your bike! And whatever you do, don't tell your admirers the full story...

Why do I feel so busy right now?

Well, classes are over. What do I do with my time now?

I'm disappointed to say that a collaborative grant written across several institutions did not get funded, so I won't be doing research that is FUNDED for several months. Here's what I need to do this summer anyway:

1. Finish straggler grading from one course (there's a lot). I can NEVER seem to get my grades in on time. Notes here and here and here.

2. Work with a research student independently. This is the student that got sick during the semester and needed to take an incomplete in research. More here and here.

3. Miscellaneous meetings, such as mock interviews for people going on to professional and graduate schools.

4. Various and sundry trainings, such as how to set up an online course, the faculty staff retreat, other committees that continue to meet beyond the school year.

5. Set up my one course for the fall, and do a lot of prep for the adjuncts we will be bringing in to cover my maternity.

6. Prep all my courses for the Spring, as I will return to full time in January, with a 2 year old, a 4 month old and an absentee husband. I CAN NOT develop two new courses after August.

7. Write my paper from several years of undergrad-powered research. I must first solve a major issue (at bottom) before starting to write it.

8. Is there any chance I'll get a research grant written this summer? Egads, I doubt it.

9. The home needs some major projects too. At MINIMUM, we have to rearrange rooms upstairs to accommodate another little resident in the home. Ideally we need to finish (erm, hire someone to finish) the basement so we can have an extra bedroom.

More silliness twixt me and Hub

Hub sent me an online news article to read. Here's the morning report and then silliness ensues.

Me to Hub:

I skimmed the the article this morning.
Morning report: Boy woke up at 5 but was hysterical, at least this
time I wasn't completely flustered by it and just held him for a long
time. We broke the cycle of hysteria [he's too tired and hungry but
too busy screaming to eat or sleep] by offering him milk to drink
out of an espresso cup. Then he was bale to drink the full sippy cup
of OJ he had in his hand since he woke up. He crawled up in the
stroller which was still out and fell asleep a bit later. If I would have
had a 8:00 this morning, I probably would have been late, due to
the hysteria, but we got him to day care at 8:15 and all was good
from there.
I'm feeling very tense, but that is to be expected.
Can't wait to see you tonight. Usual time?

Hub: Yes, around 8:30 unless something untoward pops up.

Me: You mean like you driving untoward us and ending up in Georgia?

Hub: If I knew how to roll my eyes, I would.

Feeling Guilty?

Here's an e-mail interchange between Hub and I. You need
to know a few things: 
1. I love pierogies
2. I hurt my ankle the day before and called him crying
from pain and frustration the night before
3. I have started to give a morning report by e-mail about
how Boy does in the AM; this was a particularly bad morning
in which Boy threw a huge fit and could only be "reset" by
using Daddy's trick of giving him a bath


Hub: How are you?

Me: I'm very tired. My ankle turned overnight from very
painful and immobile to tender and annoying. If I am
concentrating on taking care of the boy, then I don't
feel it. If I am walking alone with my thoughts, it hurts.
I'm still walking slowly, but I am relatively functional
today.

Boy took to the bath, not instantly, but after a brief soak.
You saw (cell phone pic) that he insisted on having his sippy
cup in the bath with him (!). After, he his normal human self.
The only problem with this whole deal is that "hysteria
interventions" take TIME, so even though we woke up at a
(un)reasonable time (5:15) we were still rushed getting out
(7:30). He fell asleep in the car on the way to day care,
and as far as I know he may still be sleeping in one of
those pack-n-plays.

Hub: Since I woke up earlier than usual this morning
(I called at 6:00a), I am a little tired.  I did manage
a brief morning nap.  In the end, I needed to skip my
shower and just slap a hat in in order to gain momentum
for getting out of the apartment.

That bruised skier apparently placed cheese on her shins
in preparation for the Olympics.  Perhaps a pierogie or
two would help?

Me: On my shin?!?!? WASTE A PIEROGIE?!?!?!!? I'd rather
suffer. Where's my husband? I want him back!
Daycare just called: 3 runny poos in his diaper in a very
short time. If he doesn't eat well, I will have to pick
him up. (Then what??!?!)

Hub: Are there any available babysitter that you can locate
on short notice?

Me: They haven't called back yet.

BTW what I meant by "Where's my husband" was "Aliens have
abducted my husband that he would think I would waste a
pierogie for my shin" vs. "I want my husband here at home
to help me!"
 
Didn't think how that could be misinterpreted by a guy
who feels a little guilty about being away! Sorry.


Spoiler alert: I did have to get Boy from the daycare
and then couldn't bring him back the next day... the
subject of my next post, BUT the ankle healed rather
quickly. I'm starting to get my energy back, too. Yay.

Lazy Bum, Good Dad

Spring Break, ahhhh...

Big plans to get all the grading done and get all the equipment ordered and tested for upcoming labs. Oh, yeah, and go the gym more. Oh, yeah, and organize the office and, and, and...

This morning I had a glucose tolerance test that they give to old preggos like me to make sure I don't have gestational diabetes. So, Boy woke up as normal at 5:30 am and I got him ready for the day care. I found it very difficult to go for 2 hours with nothing to eat until 7:30 when I was to drink the magic orange drink, then make my way to the Dr.'s office to have blood drawn at 8:30.

Well, I passed with flying colors, so my ice-cream rich diet is not in danger, but I was starving to deff! So I took myself to a diner and had a good-ol' American breakfast of eggs and hashbrowns. When I got home at 10a, I was pretty sleepy and took a wee nap - UNTIL 3pm!!!

Egads! I hope that this was refreshing and will "reset" me for several days, and not just indulging my fatigue while getting no benefits (BTW, still anemic; Hb 10.7). If I benefit from the rest, hallelujah. If I don't, I just wasted a huge chunk of a good day in which I could have gotten something significant done. Auuuugh!

_________________

Last night, the Boy was having a major meltdown while we were Skyping with Hub. He wouldn't allow himself to be set down, but wriggled out of being held. There was much screaming and crying, all visible to his Dad on the Skype screen. I said: I've fed him- I don't think he's hungry, maybe he's overtired- but there's no way I can get him to sleep like this- help! I'm exasperated and desperate!

Hub thought for a second, "try putting him in the bath" (not an every night occurrence for us, but one that Boy really enjoys). There mere mention of "bath" was enough to bring some sanity to the scene, and by the time Boy was surrounded by suds, he had returned to his human, happy self. The rest of the bedtime went perfectly.

The significance of this is that Hub 1) Misses boy terribly while away at his job and 2) feels guilty about not being able to help parent while away. There are 3)-10), but we will focus on 2). The fact that Hub could come up with a creative parenting solution from far away made him feel great. And of course I pointed out how helpful and insightful it was (I never would have thought, "I know! Let's try a bath!"). Apparently Hub felt so good about this that he e-mailed his parents about it. :) Well, that makes us all feel great.

What do you do with only 6 good hours in the day?

Just one more whiny post, please?

I'm only good for about 6 hours each day.

Its certainly not enough to get my actual work done, let alone any extras. This fatigue is really shutting me down. Even if I stay at work for more than 5-6 hours, I am completely useless. Mind can't think, body doesn't move well, don't give a damn about anything.

I am terminally behind, and its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Monday things were so bad and I was so discouraged that I cried through the evening. That was actually funny in that the Boy had never seen me cry before, and he couldn't figure out what was going on with Mommys face and those funny noises. First he stared, then he laughed, then he looked sad.

I still rely on my village a lot, but I quit the supper club, because I can't even manage to make one elaborate meal each weekend. It's like "cutting off my nose to spite my face" as my Mom used to say because now I have to cook 5 small meals, and not one big one. Don't care, will make PB and J. Luckily this week, I've been invited for dinner twice. Let's see if I can actually get those thank you cards written.

Today marks officially the beginning of week 11. That means I am close to ending my first trimester. I can tell everyone next week (more understanding, perhaps?) and the FATIGUE should dissipate shortly thereafter. Can't wait for the second trimester springiness I got last pregnancy. Then it will all be better, and I will return to normal. Please let it be so.

Pining

I have described before here and here how hard it feels to have the Hub away for 4 days a week and managing the toddler by myself. There's also an element of loneliness to it, too. My level of pining for the hub increases exponentially from Monday morning, when he leaves to Thursday night when he returns.

With the pregnancy fatigue, the exponential that describes this pining has increased. It feels like on Thursday nights at dinnertime I am desperate for the help and intelligent companionship of my husband. It feels like a physical ache that subsumes my whole body, but especially my heart.

Tenure clock addendum; options for fall

I talked to my departmental chair today about my upcoming maternity leave. My due date is late August. Looks like I have several options.

1. Take the whole Fall semester off
2. Teach just the lecture portion of my Pet Class. It's basically all prepped.
3. Teach both the lecture portions of Pet Class and Advanced Cool Subject, which I've taught before.
4. Take my full load minus the labs that involve hazmat.

1. Whole semester off. This would allow me to spend a good 4 months with my newborn, be able to manage my toddler (who I imagine would still go to day care, at least part-time), my husband could still work 4 full days at Suburban MRU. I would still be a sleep deprived zombie, but just not one in front of a classroom. The hip thing*.

In this case, we'd have to put me and Boy on Hub's insurance, because I would lose mine.

2. Teach Pet Class lecture only. This is most appealing to me, but still doesn't bring me up to full-time status. This would involve me showing up 3 hours per week to lecture, perhaps add 1.5 hours a week to review my notes. Maybe an additional 1 hour per week to make and grade quizzes. I could use my old tests since I collect them every year. I would have to grade for 5 hours every three weeks for the tests. Add a few office hours in there... that's maybe 10 hours/ week of actual work. And it would keep me from being lonesome at home all day. I would have to put Widdlebitty into daycare or hire a bbsitter for at least those three hours/week. Baby sitters are abundant on college campuses. Widdlebitty could even be bbsat in my office. Then there's the hip thing*

3. Lecture of both classes. As above, but add another 10 hours/week on. To me it seems a bit much, BUT at this point, I would be considered full time and keep all my benefits. At a small college like ours, I could request that both of my classes are back-to-back, and the registrar can simply make that happen for me. :) Love that. If I was working this much, I would ask the Hub to be home more often. While he does computational work, he also has a supervisory role, and need to be there in the flesh a little.

4. Keep full time, farm out the portions of labs that involve hazmat, take my 4 weeks of full paid disability (yes, our maternity leave is really disability). This is what I did with the first baby. Big difference though, Hub did not have his job yet. He was a stay-at-home Dad. It's selfish, but it was ideal for me. :) I can't imagine doing this as a single Mom. no. no. no.

For one, I am a pretty laid-back parent. I trust the day care to "raise" my toddler, BUT they've had an influx of babies recently, and I see Widdlebitties crying in their cribs and not getting prompt attention. This causes me to bristle. For some reason my instinct is to attach, attach, attach at least until they grow a bit more independent (sitting up? 6 months?).

Here's an article I've read recently:

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200912/dobbs-orchid-gene/3

I could blog on it separately...
Hub is an orchid. I am a dandelion. I pray against/worry about my children as orchids. Do I feel the need to hover and cling, heck no. Do I feel the need to take the bonding/attachment process seriously. Heck yeah. Oh, oh yeah.

There's also the hip thing*

My chair said that he can't imagine this maternity leave being unfavorably viewed by the P and T committee. He looked at me like I was crazy when I asked. However, he would have to check to see if the fewer hours would calculate into later raises for me. It also may effect my sabbatical application, because they are competitive. More on that as I hear.

* The hip thing: Last pregnancy, as I grew closer to my due date, my joints all loosened up (as they do in all women). My hip joints were overzealous in their preparations to flex and open for baby's head squeezing out. I joke that they were more excited about childbearing than weightbearing.












My sacroiliac joint, the one that anchors the weight of your upper body to your hips, and therefore your legs, became extremely flexible and painful to the point I could not walk. I used crutches to ambulate, but it was still painful, and there are no safe (strong) painkillers for use while pregnant. I did get treated very well by the public. A hugely pregnant woman on crutches is a pitiful sight. :)

I could not walk for weeks before my delivery. I could not walk to ease/assist my labor. I could not walk or carry my baby for a week or so after the delivery (but now I could take drugs). After the birth it took FIVE MONTHS of physical therapy to have a day without achy hips.

I had a lot of help then. Now, my Hub is gone during the week. I try to imagine managing my 15 steps outside my home on crutches- carrying a toddler- let alone a diaper bag or my purse, and I just can't see that happening. Please, Lord, let this one pass over me this time.

Push the tenure clock back?

I was hosting the HS students who bussed in to see Cool Sciencey thing, and they seemed to love it. Ahh, the rewards. That felt great. As we were chatting with their teacher, he said, "last year you were on maternity leave when we took this trip". Yes, its true.

I was also working with my co-teacher for low-level absolute favorite subject which is taught every other year. We were trying to put the right year on last time we taught. I said, "was I pregnant then?" She said "yes, you announced during the semester".

Then it really hit me. By having my babies two years apart, conceiving at about the same time both times (Hey its cold out there in Jan... :) ), I am basically going to be missing a big chunk of my teaching. This is my fourth year. My second year spring, I was pregnant (and exhausted and nauseous) the spring semester, then I had maternity leave in the Fall of my third year. Now I am pregnant in the Spring of my fourth year and will have maternity leave the Fall of my 5th year. So 9 semesters, 4 affected by childbearing; That's 44% of my time here. OK, maybe I'm exaggerating, because I was able to work a lot of that. Let's then say 9 semesters, two in which I took major time off (the maternity leave). That means I've only really worked 78% of my semesters. That's a C+ .

I've been naively assuming that it wouldn't affect me negatively at tenure time. But now I'm starting to wonder: push back the tenure bid a semester? I'm loathe to do that, because I feel I am doing really well despite it. My evals are generally very good, and I haven't taken a lighter schedule aside from maternity leave. In addition, I've worked many summers voluntarily, serve on more committees than one should, do a ton of community service (i.e. the HS students). I am really pulling my weight around here, despite the single motherhood. My research is active and of good quality (but I haven't written that paper yet). Besides, given the difficulty we have finding adjuncts for me, I can't imagine I'd be easy to replace.

That sounds like a lot of hubris. I think I'll ask my chair what he thinks about the maternity/ tenure issue.

Any ideas from the intelligent people that nonetheless read my blog? :)

Lonely celebration

Yahoo, my grades are posted! I didn't make the deadline, I was an hour and 6 minutes late. At least the registrar didn't CHASE ME down the hall to get my grades!

A friend rescued me by taking Boy for a few hours this afternoon, and her house is close to my favorite restaurant. I decided after I picked Boy up that we should celebrate by going to dinner, my half-pint date and I.

If I were in the restaurant alone (without Boy), I would have felt rather awkward. Some people can dine alone with no problems. Other than traveling I feel weird doing it. Several years ago, I decided that it was sign of insecurity, and well, who wants to be insecure?!?! So I forced myself to go to a few restaurants and movies alone. I don't know if that helped, the point is pretty moot now anyway. Its rare that I don't have the Boy in tow.

This was a nice restaurant, not fancy, but I questioned bringing a food spitter, napkin tearer, and clear-the-table-with-a-quick-wipe-of-the-arm-er. I didn't feel awkward eating solo because I directed my attention to Boy, teaching him to drink from a straw for the first time, and giving him warm tea. He hated everything I ordered for dinner, but I was able to catch 80% of the food he spit, threw, or wiped on the floor. A few women came by during dinner and engaged him with smiles and coos- that was nice.

I have to say that I MUCH rather would have gone as a family. It felt like we were missing something on our dinner. And managing the Boy made it hard to really relax and enjoy my own dinner. Getting him in his coat, managing the check, my purse and the glasses case (that he would absolutely not release) was like stacking basketballs. I set the Boy down on his feet to sign the credit card receipt and he was grabbing for the keg behind the bar before I could scribble my first name. I guess I have to get used to going out alone (with my half-pint date, I mean), or staying at home all the time. Both feel lonely to me at some level. Right now I feel a little more sad than satisfied and celebratory. But only a little...

Phooey, I might not make it after all.

Hub has left town for work. The day care is closed due to the weather. The secretary that helps me enter grades is not in. I might not make my grading deadline. I worked so hard this weekend to make it, too. So disappointed.

Why not visit the City?

I and a co-teacher took our gen ed. class on a field trip to Big City. Big City has some totally rockin' museums. This is the same city that Hub works in the suburbs of. The class chartered a bus, we gave the students itineraries, and set them loose.

I asked Hub to join me for lunch, but he ultimately decided not to. Even though Big City has a good light rail, it would have taken Hub 40 minutes in and 40 minutes back to get to the heart of Big City plus lunch would have taken a big chunk of his work day. Besides, we'd see each other at home in Little City That Tries at Least that evening.

I do admit that I would have liked to meet him. But more importantly as my co-teacher and I gal-evented around Big City, I wondered why our family didn't avail itself more often of Big City. I mean for God's sake, we kinda live there.

Hub really likes to come home on weekends. And I admit his apartment is not a great place for Boy and I to stay. So we spend weekends doing home work and meeting our weekend obligations. I want order in my environment imposed. Especially when I have help to do so. That's why we stay home and don't explore Big City more often.

As far as weekends ANYWHERE, Since Hub commutes, the last thing he wants to do is travel more for a fun weekend away. He lives away. He wants a fun weekend home. I don't want the hassle of preparing (by myself) for a trip for myself and a small child. And I'm just so tired all the time. I can't imagine that I would gain energy from going to an unfamiliar place and trying to manage a 1 year old.

Don't get me wrong, we aren't homebodies. We traveled all over the US when we were dating and lived overseas for three years. We explored foreign lands with a thirst for culture, language, culinary interests, and novelty.

But not now. Not with this lifestyle. I'd like to get it back. Have we lost our wanderlust forever? I hope not.

Call on my cell during lecture

I was lecturing today when the phone I wear around my neck rang.

I hang a phone around my neck because of one very scary day in which the day care couldn't get ahold of me (all day meetings, phone off) to tell me that day care had closed for an emergency and could I come get my child immediately? Since the hub is two hours away, I am the ONLY ONE that can take care of the Boy. I had no clue they were trying to contact me until the panicky moment when I arrived to pick up Boy and there were no cars in the parking lot, and the door to the daycare was locked. My heart was racing as tears welled up in my eyes!!!

That story ends with me heading toward my office to check my office voice mail to try to find my baby. On the way, I stopped by a neighbors' just in case, since they were on the emergency contact list, and there THERE HE WAS!! The moment I saw him, I sobbed. Then I really had to apologize to my neighbor...

OKAY. Since that day, I have gotten a phone on Verizon whose peerless coverage is the only one that can penetrate our building at work. The phone is always on and I hang it around my neck. Only the day care and the Hub have this number. I call it the Babyphone.

Babyphone rang right in the middle of lecture. I explained to the class that I had to check to see if my baby was bleeding or seizing. The day care said Boy was out of food. Ok, I'll be by in an hour.

I constantly bust the students for texting and I answer my phone in the middle of lecture!!

So here's the kicker: right after lecture (and staving of the despondency of a student), I hop in my car, race to the grocery store, grab stuff off the shelf without reading the label (so unlike me) and show up at the day care. There's plenty of food in Boy's cubby. For a flash I was angry, but I let it go, since I had just done something like that myself recently.

Evenings in our house

When Hub was home with da Boy, I was free to go to the gym and workout or go shopping etc in the evenings, especially after 7 when Boy was asleep. Going to the gym was especially condoned by the Hub since he knows that the workouts do me a little physical good, but have huge psychological benefit. Yoga, spinning, etc. were great for releasing the happy hormones (sorry for the scientific terminology there), and allowed me to handle stress better. Absolutely necessary for the workload I carry.

Now that hubby lives far away, and I am solely responsible for da Boy's (10 mo) welfare evenings are much harder, MUCH harder. A typical evening consists of me picking Boy up from the day care... absolute latest 6pm, getting him home and fed in the high chair. A little snuggling and playing, then we skype Dad so Dad can see the Boy on the monitor. The Boy smiles briefly when Dad is on the computer, but I don't know if he actually recognizes his Dad on the computer or is just amused by a smiling waving happy noise-making image there. We talk for about 5 minutes solely about Boy while he wiggles and plays, and grabs incessantly for the keyboard of my laptop. How was daycare? How much did he eat? Still has sniffles?

Then I go through the nite-nite ritual of changing, storybook, prayer, song. This takes about 30 minutes. Then I return to Skype with the Hub myself. By now it's usually 7:30 or 8p, and now that the Boy is in bed, there is no leaving the house. No gym, no friends, no errands, no quick trips to the office. I am stuck here. Frankly, its isolating and lonely, even with the 2-an-evening Skypes to Dad.

How could I fit the gym in at all if not the evening? With travel time and changing, etc., I count on 2 hours for a trip to the gym, especially if I swim (mmmn, sooo relaxing). There is a nursery at the gym and it is perfectly OK. Actually the Boy is very popular there since, I dare say, he is truly cute and good natured. I digress. So to get to the gym before I get Boy out of daycare in the evenings, I must leave work at 4pm, and I can't seem to manage that. I could pick him up and take him to the gym let's say 5pm and put him in the gym nursery. Then we get home at 7-7:30, and that really pushing bedtime if we include the whole ritual. Moreover, the guilt of picking him up at the day care to drop him immediately off at the nursery, then put him straight to bed is more than I can bear. It seems like the only way I can fit the gym in in the weekdays is to leave the house promptly at 7 am, drop him off at the daycare the moment it opens, get a workout and showered to be into work at 9am. Whew. I'm going to try, but its so hard. And that eats away at my workday.