I totally lost it tonight.

Tonight was a meeting at the day care. We were presented with a new schedule structure. Apparently, the current schedule is not working for the day care in their staffing needs.

For those of you unfamiliar, almost every state has mandated ratios for child-to- care provider. At Boy's age (pre-2) There must be one provider for every 4 children. The states are very strict about these ratios. The fees we pay aren't enough to keep an extra provider on in the case that our child isn't there: so its not good enough to pay for a SLOT for your child, and then bring them in whenever you want and take them out whenever you want. If not enough kids show to justify a provider, the minimum-wage-earning provider should be sent home to save the day care the labor costs.

Or so I've been explained. Over and over again.

Now we have the following options.

1. We can pay for an 11 hour day. If we choose this option, the child MUST be at the day care at 7:30am. Period.

2. We can choose an 8.5 hour day. We can choose from 7-3:30, 8-4:30, or 9-5:30.

It's my impression that I must choose a schedule for the entire school year, same schedule everyday. I could be wrong about that.

1. Getting Boy into daycare everyday at 7:30a completely sleep-deprived due to a breastfeeding newborn in the house is simply not feasible. Can't do it.

2. In the spring, when I go back to full time teaching, I have 9:00 classes MW, hence must have Boy to day care in time to turn the computer on and load the materials (8:40 latest). So those days I need the 8:00-4:30 or 7-3:30 slot. BUT I also teach a lab on Thursday that ends at 5:15p. On that day, I'd need the 9-5:30 slot. My teaching schedule does not fit into any of the 8.5 hour slots through the week. And that's just the time I actually have to stand in front of a class. Never mind prep, office hours, and meetings.

[I really don't think the director thought this through- its a small town, but even if you work a strict 8 hour day (you know, like they do at slaughterhouses), you would have to be able to get between the day care and work in just 15 minutes.]

Add to that the requirement that our TWO YEAR OLD must wear a uniform starting in two weeks.

Add to that realizing that breastfeeding is going to be extremely challenging in the spring due to 9-3 straight lab day on Tuesdays, and 10-5:15 straight lab day on Thursday.

Once at home, I started to sniffle, then cry, then wail: "I thought I could do it, I THOUGHT I could be a Mom. I thought I could manage a career and a family, even with lower expectation of both". *Wail, wail, moan, cry, sniffle, WAIL, WAIL*.

Great. SO hub's reaction- twofold- He intones that its all his fault for not being home, that I wouldn't have to do this if it weren't for him being gone. That and he blames the wailing on pregnancy hormones. I assure you that even though yes, my hormones are totally whacked, I sincerely feel trapped by this damned day care restriction.

We could hire out the "pickup" on Thursday afternoons to a babysitter. But we'd better find one that is EXTREMELY reliable.

And yes, we can go about changing day cares, and that's exactly what we'll do if a reasonable discussion with the director yields no leeway. This is the closest day care, and Boy has been there for half of his life. He is attached to the providers and his little classmates. Changing will uproot Boy's stability, and getting to another day care to breastfeed in the middle of a workday will become even more challenging.

So, I talked to another Mommy prof via chat, and brainstormed with my husband. Now to drown my sorrows in ice cream...