I cried in class today.

I received word late Monday night that my Grandmother, with whom I am very close, had been airlifted to the regional medical center with a ruptured abdominal aorta. She underwent emergency surgery where they patched her aorta back up. The family was relieved to hear that she was stable and on pain meds by yesterday morning. This morning (Wed), the nurse informed me that she had not made any urine in the last 24 hours. I know enough to know that is very serious. They may have "killed" her kidneys when they had the aorta clamped off. It was looking like renal failure was a possibility.



I have three classes today. The morning class, I was OK for. I did not share with the class the status of my Grandmother, thinking it was TMI. The afternoon class I was grading group presentations (with my co-teacher) when a call from my uncle came in on the babyphone. I left the room and took it. He was asking if Grandma and I had ever had a talk about end-of-life issues, because a decision needed to be made ASAP as to whether to put Grammaw on dialysis. She was heavily sedated with pain meds and in and out of alertness.

She's 85 and has had a long life. She was a nurse, and pretty savvy to end of life issues. I told my Uncle to ask the renal specialist if we could get her awake and alert enough with a short bout of dialysis to make her own end of life decisions, (and allow me to get there to say goodbye). So then I went back to class while my Uncle waited to talk to the renal specialist. I apologized to the students for missing part of their presentation, and explained, because I felt in necessary to make clear that it was absolutely necessary that I walk out in the middle of their presentation.

My last class on Wednesdays is seminar style with 3 students. I informed them at the beginning of class that I had an urgent family situation that may affect my availability and their final. Then during class my Uncle called. I left and headed to the lobby, asking them to present the figures to each other in my absence. My uncle then informed me that there wasn't much hope of her getting better and that if I wanted to say goodbye I needed to book a flight right away.

I cried in the lobby and tried to pull myself together. I went to the bathroom and splashed my face, and went back in to lead them through the last figures. As class was ending I said, "I have to go to Homestate. I will be available by e-mail." But I couldn't make it through. No sobs, but clearly choked up, red faced, with tears. I apologized, and slipped out and down the hall.

I feel like that was really unprofessional. I would have rather not it happened. I've never had a professor "lose it" in one of my classes, and I would probably be really wigged out. On the other hand, students cry in my office all the time, and it doesn't faze me. I empathize with them (mostly). It just doesn't bother me one way or the other.

I'm a bit if a softie anyway, something I hate, but my husband says he loves. I hope, hope that maybe it made me more human to my students in a good way. Can any good come of this?

Off topic, but man, a trip right before finals is soooo ill-timed. Maybe that's a post for next time....