At faculty staff conference, I was pleased to see one of my health care providers had joined the faculty. The CNM (Certified Nurse Midwife) who delivered Girl and who gives me my yearly, you know, exams has decided that she likes teaching better than being on call. So she's come over to the dark side. Ironically, she was the first I decided to share my new plan B with.
I told her that if my Two Body Problem showed no signs of improving that I was going to 1. get my EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) certificate and volunteer with the rescue squad for a while to gain "clinical hours" then I would 2. Go back to school and get a PA (Physician's Assistant). Then I could double my salary, live wherever I wanted (um, WITH my husband), and I could even specialize in the clinical aspect of my current field.
The irony I mentioned before is that if I were to go through with this
(and I don't really want to!), my friend the CNM and I would literally
change places. She moved from a mid-level health care provider to teaching and I would do the opposite.
If you are an international reader, A Physician's Assistant is a two-year degree and many PAs have a lot of autonomy, while still working under a physician. Some PAs are responsible for all the general practice in rural or underserved communities. For example, my Dad is eligible for Veteran's Admin. Benefits, and at the VA hospital he is treated solely by a PA. The last time Hub went in for a stress test it was a cardiac PA that read his ECG and not a cardiologist. There are even neurosurgery PAs.
At mid-life, I do not want to get an MD (plus potential problems trying to get residency where Hub worked). Nor do I want the debt. It seems like the PA would offer the most flexibility balanced with a high level of professional autonomy. Your thoughts?
I'm not ready to move on this yet. As a matter of fact, I decided NOT to take an EMT course offered this Fall because it would be too much to handle with family and work, even though my workload is much less this semester (only one course).
Maritally, there's a bit of tension developing since I have a plan B and am starting to follow through with it, and Hub hasn't even considered a plan B. I would start all over at 40-some odd, gain debt, give up tenure, lose a job I feel "called" to do, all for a 5-year contract senior post-doc job of his. Hub feels guilty, and I know I would have to work hard to make sure I didn't resent such a move. Any thoughts on this part?
It can be liberating to come up with a realistic alternative to the TT slog, or heck, even an unrealistic alternative. And I think if it feels right outside of the circumstances of the distance from your husband, then this would absolutely be the right choice. But I would wonder if it would be possible for you to not resent having to make such a large sacrifice. He needs to examine his career prospects, before you give away a long-term job with benefits, for which you have trained your whole life, to support a career choice on his part with, frankly, no real future. Way harsh but true. You've been making a lot of sacrifices for him already.
ReplyDeletehmmm... sounds like a great plan B, but I would probably have trouble with resenting my hubbie about this. maybe you are a bigger person than I!
ReplyDeleteFrom your description, it sure sounds like he is the more appropriate one to be considering a Plan B. Unless you really wouldn't mind giving up your job/tenure.
ReplyDeleteHealth care is a growing field and demand for PAs will be increasing. (Although a friend of a friend we know ended up switching from being a PA to being a housewife when her husband got transferred to Canada... apparently they don't have PAs there?) My MIL and one of my aunts are both PhDs in nursing and they get quite a few mid-life career changers (my MIL says they're her best students). I can't handle blood, so not for me, but health care is a great career.
ReplyDeleteRe: that last paragraph... that's something only you guys can decide. Personally we're in the opposite situation... as in, I'm the one set on my career and he's the one not sure what he wants, so so far we've been following me. We're a bit codependent (as #2 on our blog often says), so we'd rather have one of us unemployed than live apart. We talk about Plan Bs for both of us a lot (especially since DH is going to quit his tt job soon).
That really does sound like a good plan B. My partner and I have seriously started talking about plan Bs as it is becoming increasingly apparent that the stress of our 2 body problem is not good for our mental healths, and thus for our family. They have mostly centered around my changing careers, since I don't have a TT yet. But we are both very clear that neither of us can start implementing a plan B until we are sure that he/she won't regret it after living together for 5 years and watching the other succeed in what he/she considers his/her dream career, because the stress of that on our family would be worse. I have no thoughts on how to get to this point. I'm struggling myself. But I an only emphasize how important I think it is.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you can't really make a decision that will work in the long run until you *both* have Plan Bs that you can consider. Why does having the burden of having a Plan B fall solely on you?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Ugh... I must say that, if I were you, the husband would be the one having to implement a Plan B. You have a tenured position with benefits, he a postdoc. In my eyes, it's no contest about who should follow whom. If you are capable of not resenting him, then you are a way better person than me.
ReplyDeleteYou have been raising two kids on your own and getting tenure, and now you are also supposed to give that all up? Um, that doesn't seem fair or really prudent from the standpoint of health benefits and retirement. Not that there is anything wrong with being a PA, but seriously...
I think I understand what you are feeling; sometimes the significant others in our lives seem like they would handle their own career change (or any excessive burden) in their lives much worse than us, so we yield and yield and yield... There's no badge of honor for what you are planning on doing. Your husband seems like he needs to step up and face the music; his career path is not something that a man with a wife and kids can follow especially if the wife has a much better job.
Anyway, of course this is between you and your husband, but, as someone said above, I think you have sacrificed plenty on the altar of his career, which didn't exactly pan out. It's his turn.
Sorry about my obnoxious comment above. Obviously I have no idea about your relationship. I didn't mean to be judgmental or condescending, just sharing how I think I would have reasoned in a similar situation.
DeleteThanks for all of your comments. I do appreciate them, even if you feel they are harsh (no) or obnoxious (no). GMP you hit the nail on the head with this:
ReplyDelete"seem like they would handle their own career change (or any excessive burden) in their lives much worse than us, so we yield"
I do think that I have broader interests and am more adaptable than he is.
It is worth noting that before were were married, he followed me to my post-doc (to his great advantage) and then he followed me here. At some point I said to him that next time would be my turn to follow. By those terms, yes, I am due to follow plan B.
On the other hand, you all are right! It seems foolish to do that. And so we are stuck. I don't feel completely right forcing the issue for his Plan B, since it's "my turn". And he is much happier with meaningful work that is relatively high-level and that he is trained for.
PUI, can you tell us why there is a push right now to resolve the issue? Has something specific happened that makes it important to do something in the near future?
DeleteWhat does your husband do? I vaguely remember that it's computational, is that true? If so, I have had a postdoc for 3 years now whose family is 2.5 hrs away. The first year he was here most of the time but now he comes in once every couple of weeks for a meeting and the rest of the time he's with his family. He's paying like 25% of the rent with another group member so he would have somewhere to sleep when he comes (usually comes for a couple of days). It's working out well as he is very productive from home, can access all the computational resources remotely and we would communicate via email for the most part anyway... Of course, if he does experiments this is all moot, but if he does computation like I seem to vaguely remember (could totally be wrong, I apologize if so), then I see no reason why his hub could not be at your location...
Good luck!
He does do something computational, and works from home on Fridays. More importantly, he supervises other post-docs, grad students and undergrads, and THAT's why he needs to be there for the other 4 days of the week. He also cannot work as efficiently at home as far as the computational resources are concerned.
DeletePUI prof, let me give my additional 2 cents and then I will shut up, I promise. My postdoc also supervises grad students (all doing computational work), and being here once every two weeks plus email/Skype in the meantime is perfectly sufficient. I really don't understand "He also cannot work as efficiently at home as far as the computational resources are concerned". He has some computational setup in his office, and probably accesses some cluster remotely. He could make the exact replica of whatever he has in his office or even transfer the actual setup from his office to home (or perhaps you could see if your uni could get him an unpaid affiliation and an office), and from there on remote access is the same as from his work. My postdoc says he's actually more efficient coding from home than the office as there are fewer distractions (once his family is at work/school).
DeleteIt seems to me he has a job that he could totally keep, with some relatively minor adjustments, while being most of the time with you and family (under the assumption that his PI is not an unreasonable douchebag; I know that I am willing to make a lot of adjustments to keep a valuable, productive postdoc happy). I wonder if your husband has tried talking to the PI recently? I would insist that he try to renegotiate the arrangements before you completely give up on your career and tenure.
You mention that it's your turn to follow. But you say following you never hurt his career, right? Same with my husband, following me -- I felt initially bad he had to follow me, but I secured a job etc for him. Had we followed him, we would have gotten nowhere; he's a wonderful guy, but not a go-getter by any stretch, is not a guy with a grand plan. So we follow me, because I generally know what I want, have a plan, and following me has enabled us both to be employed and have a stable financial situation. I don't want to even think what converse would have looked like. Taking turns following is nice in principle, but in practice makes sense only if the two people are similarly positioned, ambitious, have jobs that similarly benefit the family... Honestly, from where I am, it seems to me that your husband could with great to moderate ease be able to keep his job and spend most of his week with family. But he has to want to have this time with family.
As someone said, maybe re-evaluate after you have been together on the sabbatical? I am shutting up my preachy obnoxious mouth now, and wishing you the best of luck with the challenges/adventures ahead!
For me, it would also depend on the longer term job prospects for your husband and how far he is from the next decision-point. I would be concerned about eventually feeling like it was a wasted sacrifice if things didn't pan out for him. But I understand that you might not want to spend the next X years with the living apart status quo while you wait to find that out.
ReplyDeleteIt's also one thing to say, yes, it's my turn to follow you (and be willing to move to an institution/location you prefer less than your current one) and a completely different thing to give up everything you have worked for so far.
Reading you latest posts: maybe things will be different after your sabbatical year. I do hope that works out for you! In the end, it's hard for a stranger to weigh the costs/benefits of your difficult situation. Wishing you all the best.