Friday, August 3, 2012

not going gracefully

had to travel to the ancestral home unexpectedly. step-mom has been battling cancer for  about 5 years, and things have taken a turn for the worse. she's an unreasonably headstrong woman, refusing  to accept hospice care and denying overtly her very near fate. she's been very demanding and demeaning to my dad. i'm surprisingly at peace and doing my best to be helpful and unobtrusive at the same time. we have the classic step-relationship in which she favors heavily and obviously her own children and grands over us and my brother's family, but i feel prepared to handle it now (ask tomorrow, i might feel differently). for instance, she was only awake for three hours today, and cannot standup without someone to lift her, but her family still plans to have a realitively large birthday party for one of her grandchildren here tomorrow. when my dad was trying (gently) to get her to agree to leave the party and go to her room if she felt tired, she told him to butt out. we went throughthe death ofmy mother 12 years ago, but she was far more accepting of her fate and gracious to her helpers and loved ones. its ok,though as iunderstand someofthepsychology behind it,and besides, in my mind she gets a free pass to be as nasty or a gracious as she wants tobe, right? any helpul thoughts or experiences?
pardon the lack of basic writing etiquette...


  1. Two years ago, my husband's stepmother passed away from cancer. They did not have the best relationship in the world (though it was more of a personality clash than any real event that might have sour their relationship). When her situation took a turn for the worse, I urged my husband to travel to Southern California to be with his father for as long as my FIL needed it. It was the best thing he could ever do. It brought him closer to his father, and his stepmother personality, in the end, did not matter at all. He was at peace with her, and happy that he could be there as support to his father.

    I don't know if this helps, but I thought I would share the story. I hope it is helpful to you. You are in my thoughts.