Thursday, February 11, 2010

Losing Friends- Letting go

Another title to this post:
Singles are from Mars, Parents are from Venus

I have a friend who is breaking up with me. She says I've been neglectful of her. She is single and I am a single Mom. We don't understand each other on so many levels. I'm still sad about getting dumped.


  1. Dump her. She's too needy/selfish. Friends don't necessarily last forever. Time to move on....

  2. 1. She has no interst in him (yukky!) and 2. she gets defensive when I talk about motherhood as if I'm pushing it on her.
    Have you considered that there might be a possibility that she can not have children and she is protecting herself by this reaction? It's a possibility.

  3. I doubt that she has tried for children.

  4. It seems from her messages that she has already given up. I think you need to look at your friendship and try to determine if its really even there anymore. I've learned since I've had a baby that there are some people that just don't really care. They are in different places in their lives and don't have time for me or my baby. I have also learned that I have some amazing single friends that are here for me no matter what. But we all have an understanding that we are busy and we take that into consideration. We don't get mad when we can't get together or when we don't take time to talk on the phone. We email occasional updates. I send them pictures of Little T and when we do get together it is as if we are right back where we left off. In a way there is an unconditional love and understanding that makes our friendships work. I think that a friendship is give and take and at times I will take more than I give and vice versa. But so will my friends (the true ones) and that is okay in my opinion. I have another close friend who happens to also be family. She is very needy and tends to write people off if they don't get back in touch with her immediately. Honestly, before I had a baby I had trouble keeping up with her constant needs. I am struggling with this now because I see this side of her very clearly. Like I said earlier, reevaluate what your friendship with her is. Good luck. I know it is really hard situation.

  5. I think you should accept the fact that you don't have the time and energy to devote to sustaining this friendship right now. Maybe that means that you two drift apart for good; maybe it means that a few years from now you get back on track. For now, I think you need to get through this semester, day by day, and take care of yourself and your toddler. Worrying about this particular relationship sounds draining, and that's the last thing you need right now.

    Ps. My word verification was "tryspa". I think that's a message from the universe that you need a short break at the nearest spa...

  6. coming from the other side here... as a non mother but having friends who are. There is a decision to make, from both sides, when life changes and friends find themselves on different routes of life.

    I mean, when one of my closest friends got her first child we didn't see eachother too much for awhile. I was in the middle of writing my PhDthesis and gosh that takes time (as you know). She was trying to adapt to new life with baby, husband and work... needless to say, we didn't see eachother much, we didn't talk about the things we used to but then we decided to change things and instead of feeling guilty for not seeing eachother we did something about it.

    It took awhile, and I have to admit - as a non parent, it is sort of annoying to hear about the baby all the time - until you think about it as a "new love". I'm sure all can relate to when you or one friend has met someone new. All they talk about is that person. It usually, imho, end up with a 3 month period when the person blows off everyone else but their love... and then they stand a tad bit surprised in the end going "I thought you were my friend".

    I look at baby times the same way. And I do understand it. the way I've dealt with it? (apart from understanding that friendship isn't all about me and my probelms.. ;) ) Do something different. Hanging out with you will have to be either "with baby and you on the weekend" (although you have hubby there then and might want to hang out with him, still though - go for a walk and talk?) or "come over after baby's gone to sleep and we can drink tea and chat".

    None of these require more of you, but of your friend. And therein lies the rub I guess. She doesn't really seem to grasp that this time it's going to be "more her effort" to hang out with you, than what you did before.

    Then again, it might just be hard for her to change the ways you've been having before especeially if you are happliy married with children and she is single. (again, coming from the person who was single'dumped actually' and my best friend with hubby and two kids.) It's her thing though, not mainly yours... then of course, it might help if you could take a day with her only (as in girl time) but I don't know if you are really there in your relationship? I have done that with my friend, she appriciates a day/dinner where she's not "mom" and she can rest a bit and have a glass of wine....

    sorry about the long answer. It's partly what Tiger PhD says though "we are all busy and you need to decide if you get mad that you don't see people or not".

  7. oh, and if she can't understand that it might be a bit hard to be a single parent with a full time job (and being pregnant again) with loved one in another city - then I'm sorry. It sounds fairly obvious to me that you can't just walk out of the house in the week and maybe that has nothing to do with her.... (duh)


  8. I let her go. After much cogitating over it, I realized that she is hypersensitive and I think that in part I had experienced enough aversive moments where she was defensive or misinterpreted what I said that I may have UNCONSCIOUSLY started to avoid her. I'll NEVER tell her that.

    Here's the e-mail I send to her:
    This makes clear...

    "When I asked if I could call you last night and you told me that IM was
    fine, that was it for me. I took it as a slight."

    ...that we don't understand each other well. Of course I didn't mean it as
    a slight. I thought I was intruding on your conversation, and you were
    putting me off. I was trying to be as unobtrusive as possible, therefore
    suggested IM.

    You say at the end,

    "I'd rather just let this go as a learning experience and move on."

    Sounds like you have made your decision, and its hard to argue with it,
    given the past hurts you seem to be still suffering from. Unfortunately,
    it seems futile to try to explain myself or begin to try to repair them.

    Let it be as you desire. I wish you all the best.