Thursday, March 12, 2015

Feeling MUCH better

Hi Readers,

Things are going much better these days. Though Hub did not get either or the jobs he applied for that would have brought us together, he has gotten into the application process, which provides hope.

Last semester's hellish course is going well. I am doing it on my terms, and the students are responding positively. Our interactions are productive and they trust me. Their grades are definitely improving, and I don't go into lecture afraid of them. 

I had a period of anger, depression, hopelessness, helplessness and overall stress... on my way to my "Spring Fall Apart" - a yearly short mental health crisis as I get worn down from the school year.  And then over about 24 hours, I realized that I had a spiritual problem, not really a workload problem (which exacerbates it). I asked myself and God, what am I afraid of? What exactly is is going on in my heart that wears me down so much? I made some half-formed realizations about being afraid of the students, not trusting in myself and God, nothing ever being good enough, being afraid of my colleagues' opinions about me, feeling let down by myself, etc. Somehow, somehow, over about a week, God just released it from me (if I could have done it myself, I would have long ago).

I have regained my confidence, and feel OK about my work. Other things that helped: my sabbatical work is now published and I feel more legitimate as a scientist. Moreover, I submitted a manuscript from my very own lab last week. This kids are so much easier to take care of this year, too. They dress themselves.

Now, I don't have heavy service obligations, nor am I running my lab right now, but I'm going to keep the faith that God will "equip me in every good thing" to keep going (Hebrews).

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