This you tube video by Emily Graslie explains in a very clear way...
http://www.npr.org/blogs/krulwich/2013/11/30/247842138/science-reporter-emily-graslie-reads-her-mail-and-it-s-not-so-nice
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Failing my Sabbatical
Let me say first off, that I am happier now than I have been in about 4 years. Living under one roof with the whole family has made life so wonderful and rich. Moreover, we love our Au Pair who adds a special element to our home, not the least of which is another adult family member who is very engaging at mealtimes. Her social life is fun and fascinating to spectate. Lastly, having only one thing to do every day- under my control- is so nice compared to being shot-gunned by the needs of students, colleagues, committees and administration. I put in 10 hour days often, but it feels great because they are so quiet! See here.
My sabbatical is turning out to be very spiritual, and I am discovering many things about myself, primarily because I have been failing in the lab.
I am not succeeding at my technique. While it is a relatively difficult technique (e-mail if you want details), I have done it well under other circumstances. In fact I spent 6 years doing it getting my Ph.D. I had advertised myself as someone who could do this, so the fact that I am not succeeding in getting it to work is very embarrassing. I was ashamed (hence my silence here) to have had 5 months with no data.
Spiritual revelation number 1. I am entirely motivated by admiration. Everything that I felt bad about in the past 5 months had something to do with what someone else thought of me, how I had disappointed them.
To make matters worse, I was very careful in my troubleshooting, and can conclusively determine that what is wrong has simply to do with me, not solutions, not prep. It had to do with my cognitive capabilities, and "touch". I was/am feeling pretty untalented and my "voices of failure" have come roaring back up to greet me.
I am very tenacious, so when I'm not getting things to work, I throw myself at troubleshooting and trying harder. This is at the neglect of other things. I'm not reading the background papers and not writing the manuscripts I had planned to. Now I am terrified of returning with nothing- absolutely nothing- to show for my sabbatical. Moreover, I feel a repetitive stress injury coming on.
The director of the institute asked for my CV several months ago. He said, OH! You're the one I've heard about. I heard that you can (technique that I've been struggling with) and that you love teaching undergrads. So I sent him my CV with a bunch of "in preparation" papers on it. I imagine that it has filtered back to him that I might not be able to perform the technique after all. Perhaps I've blown my chances to get hired here in some form of faculty position.
Spiritual revelation number 2. Trust. I have been a person of faith for a long time. My faith in an active prayer-answering God has consistently been there, as long as the payers are for something important, like healing of sick people, etc. I had let go of the idea of a God who directs the paths of ordinary individuals, and still feel a little skittish about it. But I am ready to start believing that things happen for a reason, and that there is meaning in God's timing, at least for me.
Just this week I think I have solved a major part of my problem, and it has to do with my tenacity (cognitive rigidity, you say?). When I wasn't getting it to work, I did it more and harder for longer. In actuality I needed to pick up and move and look for a better circumstance. I am just starting to see success in the lab, but a lot of time has been wasted (however, I am trusting).
Spiritual revelation number 3: Maybe success as a scientist isn't the end-all-be-all of my happiness. See paragraph one. :)
My sabbatical is turning out to be very spiritual, and I am discovering many things about myself, primarily because I have been failing in the lab.
I am not succeeding at my technique. While it is a relatively difficult technique (e-mail if you want details), I have done it well under other circumstances. In fact I spent 6 years doing it getting my Ph.D. I had advertised myself as someone who could do this, so the fact that I am not succeeding in getting it to work is very embarrassing. I was ashamed (hence my silence here) to have had 5 months with no data.
Spiritual revelation number 1. I am entirely motivated by admiration. Everything that I felt bad about in the past 5 months had something to do with what someone else thought of me, how I had disappointed them.
To make matters worse, I was very careful in my troubleshooting, and can conclusively determine that what is wrong has simply to do with me, not solutions, not prep. It had to do with my cognitive capabilities, and "touch". I was/am feeling pretty untalented and my "voices of failure" have come roaring back up to greet me.
I am very tenacious, so when I'm not getting things to work, I throw myself at troubleshooting and trying harder. This is at the neglect of other things. I'm not reading the background papers and not writing the manuscripts I had planned to. Now I am terrified of returning with nothing- absolutely nothing- to show for my sabbatical. Moreover, I feel a repetitive stress injury coming on.
The director of the institute asked for my CV several months ago. He said, OH! You're the one I've heard about. I heard that you can (technique that I've been struggling with) and that you love teaching undergrads. So I sent him my CV with a bunch of "in preparation" papers on it. I imagine that it has filtered back to him that I might not be able to perform the technique after all. Perhaps I've blown my chances to get hired here in some form of faculty position.
Spiritual revelation number 2. Trust. I have been a person of faith for a long time. My faith in an active prayer-answering God has consistently been there, as long as the payers are for something important, like healing of sick people, etc. I had let go of the idea of a God who directs the paths of ordinary individuals, and still feel a little skittish about it. But I am ready to start believing that things happen for a reason, and that there is meaning in God's timing, at least for me.
Just this week I think I have solved a major part of my problem, and it has to do with my tenacity (cognitive rigidity, you say?). When I wasn't getting it to work, I did it more and harder for longer. In actuality I needed to pick up and move and look for a better circumstance. I am just starting to see success in the lab, but a lot of time has been wasted (however, I am trusting).
Spiritual revelation number 3: Maybe success as a scientist isn't the end-all-be-all of my happiness. See paragraph one. :)
Friday, September 13, 2013
Shhh. Top Secret!
I am updating my CV today. Something is afoot. (Which is always better than being a nostril)
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Rock Star uphold the Name
I mentioned a Ph.D. cohort-mate who was doing very well in this post. Well, he just published a textbook-changing glamourmag pub. That is all.
Monday, August 19, 2013
The time of quiet in the soul.
As I posted before, going from teaching to being the low person on the lab totem pole has been a cultural shift. I spoke all day, every day with authority. Now, I am entering a time of quiet for many reasons:
1. I need to listen to those in the lab who know more than I do about techniques and previous literature.
2. In the lab everyone works in silence. People often come in without greeting others and silently sit down to their work.
3. Our new Au Pair is just delightful. We chose her because of her sunshine-y and outgoing personality. She is very social but still spends a lot of time at home (so far), so she chats and chats and chats. At us. Its hard to get a word in edge-wise. It's nice, but leads to quiet from me in our conversations.
4. The Au Pair fell in love with a Mega-church down the street. When I sit in the services, I feel very defensive about something, but my silent resistance doesn't withstand further thoughtful examination. So I sit in the service thinking, "Hey, wait a minute! Oh. Oh, yeah, I guess so." Thoughtful examination usually takes place in quiet.
5. I don't know anyone well enough to complain about the usual litany of political and world event rants. And see #2.
6. The grad students in the lab are pretty senior, and in the "Tunnel Vision" stage. What I have to share/ teach isn't really interesting to them.
7. With the Au Pair, Hub and I don't have discussions anymore wondering what happened at day care to make Boy or Girl in such a mood.
8. Things are going well, there isn't much to bitch about.
9. I don't have to get Hub caught up on the weekday news he missed.
10. Because my culturally 1980s American jokes jokes are totally lost on this young international crowd: "You hit the volleyball too hard. Lay off on the Wheaties". *blink, blink*
All this is good, good, good for my soul. (chatting a bit more in lab would be fine, though)
Look for more updates to this list as I think about them.
1. I need to listen to those in the lab who know more than I do about techniques and previous literature.
2. In the lab everyone works in silence. People often come in without greeting others and silently sit down to their work.
3. Our new Au Pair is just delightful. We chose her because of her sunshine-y and outgoing personality. She is very social but still spends a lot of time at home (so far), so she chats and chats and chats. At us. Its hard to get a word in edge-wise. It's nice, but leads to quiet from me in our conversations.
4. The Au Pair fell in love with a Mega-church down the street. When I sit in the services, I feel very defensive about something, but my silent resistance doesn't withstand further thoughtful examination. So I sit in the service thinking, "Hey, wait a minute! Oh. Oh, yeah, I guess so." Thoughtful examination usually takes place in quiet.
5. I don't know anyone well enough to complain about the usual litany of political and world event rants. And see #2.
6. The grad students in the lab are pretty senior, and in the "Tunnel Vision" stage. What I have to share/ teach isn't really interesting to them.
7. With the Au Pair, Hub and I don't have discussions anymore wondering what happened at day care to make Boy or Girl in such a mood.
8. Things are going well, there isn't much to bitch about.
9. I don't have to get Hub caught up on the weekday news he missed.
10. Because my culturally 1980s American jokes jokes are totally lost on this young international crowd: "You hit the volleyball too hard. Lay off on the Wheaties". *blink, blink*
All this is good, good, good for my soul. (chatting a bit more in lab would be fine, though)
Look for more updates to this list as I think about them.
Monday, July 22, 2013
You, sir, are a boob.
It's summer time and there's only one seminar series going on right now. Luckily, I heard about it from someone else, and showed up to a few. I make it a priority to go to the seminars, because I am interested in nearly everything.
In this seminar series, some pretty impressive people have given talks. There are no signs posted even though speaker #1 told the organizer that this really ought to happen. No e-mails go around reminding others of the talks, or at least none that I or the grad students in my lab receive. Therefore a pathetic 5-6 people show up to these seminars. So my first impression of the organizer is that he is a bit of a dodo.
At the first seminar, I asked good enough questions in the seminars, that one (in-house) speaker asked to talk to me after, saying. "Who are you, I mean, what is your background?" When I talked to her she got excited and said, "Ooh, you have to meet the next speaker. Maybe you can go to lunch with her!!!" The organizer was right there and paying attention. Well, I showed up, interacted during the talk, and and hung around after to meet and perhaps be invited to lunch. Dr. Dodo turned his back to me and escorted the speaker away to lunch, actively avoiding inviting me even when the speaker herself leans back to say, "e-mail me, we'll go to lunch" (we did by the way). Well then there was the last straw. On my way to the talk the grad students in my lab said, "there's a talk today?". Once again, an impressive speaker, great talk, no notifications, tiny audience.
I stopped Dr. Dodo after the talk and asked, "Are these talks open to anyone?" He said "Yes, why?" I said "Neither the grad students in my lab nor I are getting notification of the speakers". He looks at me like I am an annoying gnat, almost rolling his eyes, and said, "Ohhhh, kayyy. There isn't one next week but the last one is in two weeks" in a tone that displays that 1. Its not his problem and 2. I shouldn't have to ask.
Now I've changed my mind. He's not a dodo, which implies simple incompetence, but rather a boob, which implies intentional arrogance combined with some incompetence.
In this seminar series, some pretty impressive people have given talks. There are no signs posted even though speaker #1 told the organizer that this really ought to happen. No e-mails go around reminding others of the talks, or at least none that I or the grad students in my lab receive. Therefore a pathetic 5-6 people show up to these seminars. So my first impression of the organizer is that he is a bit of a dodo.
At the first seminar, I asked good enough questions in the seminars, that one (in-house) speaker asked to talk to me after, saying. "Who are you, I mean, what is your background?" When I talked to her she got excited and said, "Ooh, you have to meet the next speaker. Maybe you can go to lunch with her!!!" The organizer was right there and paying attention. Well, I showed up, interacted during the talk, and and hung around after to meet and perhaps be invited to lunch. Dr. Dodo turned his back to me and escorted the speaker away to lunch, actively avoiding inviting me even when the speaker herself leans back to say, "e-mail me, we'll go to lunch" (we did by the way). Well then there was the last straw. On my way to the talk the grad students in my lab said, "there's a talk today?". Once again, an impressive speaker, great talk, no notifications, tiny audience.
I stopped Dr. Dodo after the talk and asked, "Are these talks open to anyone?" He said "Yes, why?" I said "Neither the grad students in my lab nor I are getting notification of the speakers". He looks at me like I am an annoying gnat, almost rolling his eyes, and said, "Ohhhh, kayyy. There isn't one next week but the last one is in two weeks" in a tone that displays that 1. Its not his problem and 2. I shouldn't have to ask.
Now I've changed my mind. He's not a dodo, which implies simple incompetence, but rather a boob, which implies intentional arrogance combined with some incompetence.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Ph.D. training programs- trying to resist comparisons.
In my sabbatical lab, I am working mainly with graduate students. In trying to relate to them, I have been doing a lot of mental comparisons from my program to theirs. Occasionally I will comment on the differences, but it IS taking a lot of effort to keep my "mouth filter" on the high setting. First off, no one wants to hear how much better it was for you in the good 'ol days. Second, I've been here a few weeks. I really don't know all the details and would be speaking from a position of ignorance. Third, the programs aren't really comparable.
My grad program was large, old, had an institutional training grant, and was associated with a medical school. All students were 100% supported for their entire time of study. The program had many extra-curriculars for the students, and there was good cohesiveness among the student cohorts. We all suffered together. It was rare that the students lingered too long. In fact, at 6.2 years, they were a little worried about me...
My preliminary impression is that these students seems to be staying much longer than might be necessary, and they don't seem to have the journal clubs, "Kandel" clubs, picnics, career and ethics seminar series, etc. that we did. I heard that some of their students have had to take out loans when their advisor didn't get a grant or renewal. I know of at least one that pays for professional meetings out of his own pocket (even when presenting data).
On the other hand, the students in my lab are getting good results, getting papers published, seem to get along well, and play volleyball together in the evenings.
How about YOU? How did your Ph.D. training program compare to others you know about?
My grad program was large, old, had an institutional training grant, and was associated with a medical school. All students were 100% supported for their entire time of study. The program had many extra-curriculars for the students, and there was good cohesiveness among the student cohorts. We all suffered together. It was rare that the students lingered too long. In fact, at 6.2 years, they were a little worried about me...
My preliminary impression is that these students seems to be staying much longer than might be necessary, and they don't seem to have the journal clubs, "Kandel" clubs, picnics, career and ethics seminar series, etc. that we did. I heard that some of their students have had to take out loans when their advisor didn't get a grant or renewal. I know of at least one that pays for professional meetings out of his own pocket (even when presenting data).
On the other hand, the students in my lab are getting good results, getting papers published, seem to get along well, and play volleyball together in the evenings.
How about YOU? How did your Ph.D. training program compare to others you know about?
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